This is one of those nights when I stay awake and I can’t explain to you why the heck I’m awake.
Yes, I know I cooked till late again but that was only till 11:40 or thereabout.
Yes, I know they call me kerosene but I’d like to sleep too like everyone else.
No, I don’t have anything keeping me up, except . . .
Well, except . . .
I’m watching the entire world become
They are all becoming
How do I explain me?
I’m waiting to be like them
I used to be me
Tough, decided, outspoken, grounded, driven
I used to be one of the ones who would throw themselves into what they wanted
Stand up for what they believed in
Speak loud so everyone could hear
One of the envied ones
Except . . .
I was always conscious
In control but out of control
Cautious because the ideas thrown out could fail
Never trying because I was too scared to fail
Just so you know
I still don’t believe you when you say my work is beautiful
Or when you tell me my words hit your soul
Or when you say I have a way that’s appealing
Or when you try to convince me over and over that what I have is something worth giving
I don’t believe
I could say I never have but I won’t say I’ve never tried
So . . .
I’m awake again tonight
Social media is becoming my curse
Because in it, I find both inspiration and condemnation
I see the beauty of what others have produced
And in the same thoughts, I doubt that I could ever have something worth any of the fawning
I know I’m ranting
But believe me when I say it’s another one of those times
When I’ll shout the loudest from an obscure part of the world
Knowing that you’ll see this and tell me everything will be okay
And I’ll nod and smile and forget for a while
And then . . .
Some other night,
I’ll write again
But wait . . .
What started me off on this again?
. . .
. . .
I miss you.
This is barely scratching the surface of my thoughts, and I thought to share.
This is not to hurt you.
I just really don’t want any talks about this; I could bear them – I’d rather not. Just pray.